I’m slipping. I can feel my mental health getting worse. I’m having trouble maintaining personal relationships. Everything feels heavy, and there’s more everyday. I don’t know why, I never do. Sometimes I can figure it out later, but it has never helped.

When it’s hard for me to relate (which is often), it’s hard for me to engage. I don’t feel understood by most people. (Boring, whatever.) I don’t know if this makes a difference, but, I don’t feel like people even REALIZE that they don’t understand me. (That’s a distinction.) And maybe it’s always that way, it’s just implied, I’m not sure. But I think it could be the case that people don’t understand you, but be aware that they don’t. I think that’s better, because they can sympathize, rather than minimize your feelings.

Saying you feel misunderstand is such a boring thing to say, everyone feels like that, right? I don’t know, I’m just guessing. I have no idea HOW other people feel, even when I do know WHAT they feel.

I’m so scared of losing people. It never gets any better, no matter how much practice you get. The the list of people who USED to be in my life never gets smaller, it only grows. It’s always the same wound. After a while you can pretend to ignore it, but it always opens up again. And when it does, it gets deeper than the last time. I can’t ever lose someone without thinking about everyone else that’s opened that same wound before. It hurts more every time.

Defense mechanisms develop without us noticing, and although rarely practical or healthy, they always seem to make sense. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I have no idea how else to be. Practicing healthy emotional behaviors is so foreign to me. This is the kind of stuff people take for granted when they learn at a young age.

I didn’t develop properly, and that’s not something you can undo. I’m trying to learn now, but I’m already conditioned in a way that resists healthy behaviors. Even if I can mimic the results (I’m not convinced that I can), I’m not wired for them, and THAT is something I won’t EVER be able to fix.